April 28th, 2003 | Feature
Joel’s Paramount PS2 Poonstravaganza
Our man with the lack of pants lets us in on Japan's all-inclusive digital love of the female form. Take one hand off the controller and read on.

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Greetings, fellow studs! Your main man Joel Ladouceur (that’s two "u"s) here, with some interesting developments from the land of the rising sun. It seems that my watch hasn’t been slow and that it actually has taken three years for companies to fully harness the scary and furturistic capabilities of the PlayStation 2.

What do I mean exactly? Well, in a rebirth that we haven’t seen since the Saturn days, people are starting to put out some software for the PS2 that isn’t exactly of a game-y nature. Indeed, just how porn popularized DVD, these new discs consist of nothing but staring at Japan’s most popular female idols in order to push PS2s and ultimately the front of your jeans. Now you won’t have to purchase so-called "one-way" DVDs; these products promote advanced interactivity with your favorite girl. Something that I quite frankly desperately need right now. Regardless, It’s an exciting time and I’m glad to be a part of it.

But enough about my suave self, allow me to give you a run-down of each of the new titty titles gracing the Japanese PS2 as we speak, eh!

 

….….….

Motion Gravure series
Sony Music Entertainment

Featured idols: (From top, L to R) Harumi Nemoto, Hiroko Mori, Tomomi Kitagawa, MEGUMI

As if regular gravure weren’t enough! While SME is previously known for throwaway PS2 titles featuring musical idols Morning Musume and Ayumi Hamasaki, this time they’ve gone for the gusto and brought together four red-hot models, each with their very own DVDs to romp around in.

Each girl has their own series of scenarios. Once you pick one, off it goes. The scenarios are series of numerous still pictures that fade into one another to give off the illusion that they’re actually moving. Cheap, maybe, but at least you’re free to go back and zoom in at any time. There’s even printer support in case you’d rather operate in the bathroom.

To tell you the truth, I can’t imagine why these couldn’t be done on normal DVDs, but this is Sony, and, well … screw it, just look at MEGUMI!

JOEL-O-GRAPH INTEREST METER:

Hot dang! And they’re even marginally cheaper than those photobooks I just splurged on at Amazon Japan. … Shit.


Push harder… thaaat’s it…


Duhhurhunn duhhuhfuhguh.


She’s what we call "edible all over".


Sure baby, I don’t mind you playing with yourself.

 

 

….….

Virtual View / Eizou Play series
Pony Canyon

Featured idols: (From top, L to R) Harumi Nemoto, MEGUMI (yay!), R.C.T. (featuring Tomomi Kitagawa)

Our next title not only follows in the trails of Motion Gravure, it pilfers a few of the ladies from it! Regardless, Virtual View has its share of differences to set it apart.

Rather than fading still pictures, you view a video of the girl doing her thing. The kicker is that each video was filmed with several cameras in a handheld half-circle setup, so you have the option to change angles freely, zoom in and save an edited video to memory card. And I don’t know about you, but I was particularly relieved by the info that you can control everything with just one hand.

Instead of Motion Gravure’s fantasy that you’re "with" the girl, Virtual View positions you as dropping in on the video shoot, so no scripted giggling for you, just boring studio chatter. On the other hand, it’s not like you weren’t going to mute it all anyway.

JOEL-O-GRAPH INTEREST METER:

All that crazy camera variety slightly edges this out above Motion Gravure. But not that much, since Mr. Jelly Tube doesn’t care one way or the other!


Uh huh…


Uh huhhh…


Uh huhhhh…!


*squirt*

 

 

BONUS! BONUS!

Yumeria
Namco

While it may not feature any live-action vixens, Yumeria is special. In a world of Tokimeki Memorial ripoffs and PC hentai games, it strikes a fine balance between the two.

You play 16 year-old (and probably hairless) boy warrior Tomokazu. He dreams of a girl in a superhero getup fighting a monster. When he wakes up the following day, he meets a girl just like the one in his dream. How very Mario 2!

The game continues on in adventure mode, where you meet more girls and try to "learn more" about them (i.e. possibly grope them). The girls themselves range in age from young to criminally young, offering something for everybody!

Eventually, you find your way to the actual dream world and help the girls fight whatever evil is currently making a fuss by raising their power levels and such, mainly by making choices and answering questions. If you manage to make the right choices in their series of questions pre-battle, you can enter a viewing mode where you can freely play with their highly-detailed 3D model. The best part is they’ll always look willing through their blushing and closed eyes. Awww.

JOEL-O-GRAPH INTEREST METER:

Honestly, I like ’em young AND cartoony, but these look like the kind of girls too stupid to lie that they’re 18. Oh well, there’s more where that came from.


What’s a day at the beach without crabs?


Let us travel to the faraway planet Statutoria!


SOLD


DOUBLE SOLD

 

 

Welp, I hope you’ve learned something aboot the next generation of Asian fetish — er, idol gravure non-games. For more information about the models featured, please consult your local Google. Ha ha! As for me, it’s laundry day … in the worst way.

Catch you on the flip,
– LL Joel L

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