April 10th, 2007 | Feature
The Game Center CX Episode Guide
The front-to-back tribute to the Japanese TV show that flies in the face of Nintendo's epilepsy warnings.

 

Game Center CX Season 11 – Back to Contents
#81

The Kacho’s Business Golf – "Battle Golfer Yui"

Chousen

Arino’s got some new digs — the Gas Coin office moved to a new location, and as such, Arino’s put in a new meeting room to do the show. To go with it is a new challenge; a decidedly goofy Genesis game called Battle Golfer Yui, from Sega. In it, schoolgirl Yui receives the powers of a legandary golfer, and must defeat six evil opponents in golf matches. Mixed in between are adventure game-like screens where the plot unfolds.

Arino starts the game, watches the intro, then starts at the Gil Country Club, where Yui faces her first opponent, Hoshi, who apparently loves baseball as well as golf — in fact, the course you play him on doubles as a baseball diamond. After some chatter, the match finally begins. Arino carefully sets up his first shot, even though there’s a respectable Par 5. He hooks it, and the ball lands right in a bunker, which is sad, but inevitable, seeing as it is a baseball field with a lot of sand. Hoshi gets it in the sand, too.

After Hoshi gets it in the sand again, Arino gets excited, though his next shot lands just inches from the OB line. It continues to be a challenge just getting the ball on the green. He’s already over par by the time he gets it in the hole, netting him a Double Bogey. Hoshi gets it in on par, so Arino loses that one.

The next hole is a little more straightforward, and Arino gets the ball to the green in just a couple of strokes, and putts it in for a Birdie! Fast forward to the third and final hole, where Arino gets another Birdie and wins, but following a dialogue exchange, he didn’t win completely, so he loses. Game Over! What kind of golf game is this, anyway?

Arino starts all over, and though he loses the first hole, he miraculously gets a chip-in Birdie on the second. Unfortunately, it’s another loss after that, and then an OB right after that. By that point, Arino just goes ahead and hits Reset. Hoshi gets another Birdie, though, and… Reset again. After trading Birdies back and forth, Arino gets Yui to the fourth hole, where Arino clears the water hazard, and then after dousing the ball himself, Hoshi gives up! Arino wins by default!

Then, it’s on to the next opponent, Kitako, a creepy priestess. Kitako’s courses seem normal, but are dotted with gravestones that, when the ball passes over them, do weird magical effects that put the ball away from where it should have been. Therefore, Arino tries to just go straight up the course without worrying about shortcuts but when he tries that the first time, he slices the ball and it flops over into the OB zone. A couple of Bogeys and OBs later, Arino obviously loses. At least he has a password that takes him straight back to Kitako this time.

Arino gets up to the fourth hole, and watches as Kitako hits her ball into the water. "NICE!" yells Arino derisively. Much like Hoshi, Kitako gives up right after that. Onto the next opponent, the nerdy, creepy Dark Hazard.

The first hole on Dark Hazard’s course is shaped like a guitar, but what looks like a straight, easy line to the green is hampered by mines dotted along the path. When the ball hits one, the mine explodes and sends the ball flying, assuredly into the water or worse, out of bounds. Both players screw up so badly that Dark Hazard gives up, and then does so again on the second hole. Things are looking up!

Hole 3 is shaped like a foot, but isn’t too hard to get across — both Arino and Dark Hazard get Birdies. After a brief bit of adventure gaming (i.e., clicking on things in rooms), Arino comes face-to-face with Black Fire, an android clone of Yui. This time, on the first hole, water hazards are now lava, and give instant OBs if the balls land there — which is exactly what happens to Arino on his first shot.

Black Fire is a pro, and she constantly gets Birdies and Eagles. Arino wonders if she has the capacity to give up if she actually does screw up. Not that it matters, because on his second try of the first hole, Arino drives an insanely awesome shot that skips along the little islands on the skeleton-shaped course and right next to the hole, netting him an Albatross on the following putt.

Black Fire seems to be feeling the heat, as each of her shots are terrible, getting her a Triple Bogey. Arino gets Par, and wins the last hole. That takes care of that. Unfortunately, Arino then has to re-engage his first three opponents. He wallops Hoshi quickly, then gets a key to the office he was in before. The key reveals a metal door with an electronic panel, but Arino can’t do much now — he still has to fight the other opponents.

He also beats Kitako and Dark Hazard with great speed, but he forgets to write down the password to the electronic keypad back in the room. He gets to the room, and tries to input the password based on his memory. Amazingly, he gets it right (it was several golf club numbers)! A huge wave of relief passes over the room as Arino discover’s Yui’s mentor/father figure guy, Doctor T.

His safety is short-lived, though, as a golf ball is planted in between his eyes. Yui turns around to see the evil Professor G, the mastermind behind… whatever this all is. Arino must now get ready for the final boss!

The first hole of Professor G’s course goes quite well: Arino gets Par, and the Prof hits the water and gives up. On hole 2, G hits the water again, but doesn’t give up. Still, Arino has a chance to push ahead. He nearly sinks the next ball, but it does some crazy bounces and ends up on the green. He putts for an Eagle, and naturally wins the hole. I guess it’s all in the bag.

Or is it?! Professor G falls, but Yui must now face Ran, her bespectacled friend, who transforms into a superhero. The final battle begins at Hoshi’s baseball course. Arino really kicks ass this time, missing the bunkers and then chipping in an Albatross. Ran then hits water on hole 2 and gives up. This really couldn’t go much better, especially since Arino has clearly got a hang of the game now.

He blazes through the next few holes, getting a third Albatross in the process, and watching as Ran continues to give up. Maybe it’s just too good to true? Apparently not; more adventure scenes follow, signifying the end. But after doing some reading and making some dialogue choices… the Game Over screen appears! What? Arino is forced to re-enter the last password he got, which sadly starts the whole nine-hole match all over again.

Once again, Arino speeds through the holes and beats Ran senseless, and this time, chooses the right dialogue responses to finally see the proper ending. Ran and Yui become friends again and return to their normal lives. Still, the ending leaves a lot to be resolved, which doesn’t completely satisfy Arino, but hey, a victory is a victory. And it only took 7 hours!

TamaGe

Arino visits Itabashi, yet another tightly-packed ward of Tokyo, to check out the Komaya Toy Store. This one comes recommended by Pokemon creator Satoshi Tajiri, too!

Unsurprisingly, the store is also tightly-packed. Arino walks in with a group of boys behind him, and starts playing some mechanical games in the back. One of them is Lucky Pat, where you have to hit a plunger to push the superhero character up to one of the winning spots on the line. Arino wins a couple of prizes on the second try: some Ramune candy and a Kewpie doll keychain.

After that, Arino checks out the big glass display case in the store, which is filled with cards and toys, and also retro games. Kibe-kun joins Arino to peek around inside the case. A lot of the retro stuff is rare and expensive, like the Clear Blue Nintendo 64, or the nearly-200-dollar Famicom Robot (R.O.B.) complete in box.

Everything I Need to Know I Learned From Strategy Guides

Profound readings from the book of the Fifty-Three Stations of the Tokaido are delivered — specificlaly, how to properly avoid the ugly women that pursue the player.

Game Collections: 1989: Late March

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